


There's A Stomach Inside My Brain (Alternate Version)

by allyouneedislove67



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buck has issues with food, Childhood Trauma, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, I mean no disrepect to those with eating disorders, I will put resources in the notes, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Multi, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25500607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyouneedislove67/pseuds/allyouneedislove67
Summary: Everyone always made jokes that Buck was always hungry. He understood, he did tend to eat whenever the chance presented itself, but he's been trying to scale back. Really, he has. It's just.. he taught himself to eat whenever he could, no matter what.He never knew when he would get the chance next, so it was better to be safe than sorry.Title from: Forest by Twenty One Pilots
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Original Character(s), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 243





	There's A Stomach Inside My Brain (Alternate Version)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So, this is an alternate version to my original story by the same title. I wanted to do another iteration for myself and those who wanted it. I will keep the original posted for those who want a shorter story and/or just like it better. Anyway, this story will deal with serious topics, and I strongly advise that if you cannot handle or do not prefer these topics, PLEASE CLICK AWAY NOW. If you do read, I want you all to know that I mean no disrepect to those with eating disorders or food related illnesses. (Yes, for anyone who do not know, eating disorders are illnesses that deserve respect and treatment, just like any other disease.) Also, I feel like I don't really have the experience for this story, but I wanted to try my hand at it and help people all the while if I could.
> 
> Anyway, on to the story, and I hope ya'll enjoy. I will have resources in the notes after the fic. Sorry for the long ass AN note
> 
> Disclaimer: I DO NOT own these characters, everything belongs to their rightful owners (duh)

Buck knew he was kind of a hungry guy. He had always been that way, even from his early childhood. It was just.. complicated he guessed. He was honestly tired of the comments about it at this point. _"Wow, Buck, eat any faster?"_ Chimney would say, a daring look on his face. _"Dang Buck, where does it all go?"_ Hen would say, bringing a hand to pat his stomach. 

_"Buckaroo, I swear your stomach is a black hole."_ Athena would say, shaking her head with a small, yet seemingly disapproving, smile. Bobby would sometimes look warily at him when he was in the kitchen helping, thinking that all of the food would disappear if his back was turned for just a moment. Sometimes, he would say things like, _"Your food isn't going to run away from you, Buck."_

Hell, even Maddie said stuff a lot. He remembered having lunch with her one day, and the disappointed look that graced her face. He ordered a healthy salad, like, why is she always disappointed in him? Eddie was the only one who rarely made comments, but he slipped up a few times too. Eddie never really said anything intentionally hurtful either, just things like, _"You gonna eat that?"_ or _"All that yours?"_ Just things like that.. got to him, he supposed. He was honestly surprised no one had ever noticed the look on his face, or when he sometimes flinched at the comments. 

Buck guessed it wasn't that big of a deal, right? He just, ate when he could is all. He guessed it was sort of.. a vow he made to his younger self. Eat what food you could, whatever you were offered. As long as it was safe, take it and eat it with no complaint. So that's just what he did. But he was trying to cut back, to be better for the team, his family.

He hadn't weighed much when he was younger, but he built up muscle when he got older. He didn't obsess over his weight, he just.. watched it, is all. He never really saw a problem with it, so why should anyone else?

* * *

Buck got ready like any other day. The light poured into his lonely apartment like usual. The familiar twinge of pain ran through his leg. He weighed himself as usual, a guilty smile on his face when he realized he had lost another 7 pounds in the last week. That meant he was doing better at cutting back, right? There would be nothing for anyone to make comments on. He wasn't eating as much, he wasn't as talkative, he was doing better. He was careful on the field, took risks only when they were needed. He was doing everything he could to avoid being a burden. 

He just didn't understand what was wrong with him. 

He thought he was doing better. He was doing everything he could, honestly. He wanted to make everyone proud, wanted to help everyone out in any way he could. Whether it be watching Christopher when he was off, or helping covering Hen or Chim's shift, he would gladly do it. 

He noticed the subtle flush on his cheeks as he looked in the mirror. His eyes were sunken in, the telltale sign of too many shifts ever present on his face. His lips were slightly chapped, and even his birthmark was as pale as the rest of his face. He ran a hand over his face, a loud sigh escaping him. He hopped in the shower and got himself ready for the day. 

He walked downstairs, his freshly washed hair drying and sitting cool on his head. He spared a glance at the kitchen, deciding against anything for breakfast here. He figured Bobby would cook, anyway. Besides, he didn't need it, too many calories, it was just too much. They would notice anyway, his dad always did. He always noticed whenever he ate something when he wasn't allowed. 

Buck paused for a moment, shutting his eyes tightly as the memories washed over him. He fell to his knees as he felt his chest begin to constrict. His phone clattered to the ground, sending Buck into a further downward spiral. His breaths came in fast, shallow puffs. Buck shook with effort to bring himself out of it as he imagined Eddie's comforting hand on his shoulder, whispering reassuring words. His breathing finally came into rhythm a few minutes later. He got off his knees and scooted to the wall, leaning his head and back against it. He wiped his slightly sweaty face, willing for the hot tears to not flood his vision. He let out a few stuttered breaths before checking his watch. 

"Damnit." He whispered to himself. 

He took a few more deep breaths before heaving himself up off the floor. He chucked his bag over his shoulder as he wiped at his face some more and grabbed his phone. He passed through the door, stopping briefly to spare a look at the kitchen before he closed and locked it. 

He sighed, time for work. 

* * *

Buck walked into work, reveling in the quietness the beginning of a shift always provided. He spotted the rest of the team and Athena up in the loft, conversing amongst themselves. He dropped his stuff in the locker room, quickly changing into his uniform before going up to join the group. He self-consciously smoothed his hair and uniform before greeting them. 

"Hey guys." He said quietly, greeted by smiles and reciprocated hello's. 

He watched as everyone chatted amongst themselves as Bobby prepared breakfast. He remained quiet, biting back any random facts or interjections. Buck's stomach turned slightly as the smell of the food made its way to his nose. He bit back a gag at the smell, despite it being relatively good. A minor panic arose in him at the thought of eating. 

No, he needed to eat, just not as much. He needed to be more careful, that's all. Careful, he can do that. Buck swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. He scrolled through his phone, biting his tongue in order to keep quiet. 

"You're mighty quiet today, Buckaroo." Athena noticed. 

Buck's head snapped up, realizing that most of the chatter had stopped, their eyes landing on him. 

"Yeah, sorry. I'm just.. tired." He said, knowing it wasn't the whole truth, but not a lie either. 

Athena nodded her head, her eyes narrowing slightly as she accepted his explanation. He looked over at Eddie, noticing the look on his face. Buck shrunk underneath the gaze, opting to bring his eyes back down to his phone. 

"Hey Buck, will you set the table real quick?" Bobby said as he finished up on an omelette. 

Buck sprung from his seat, grateful that he could finally be of use. "Sure thing, 'Cap." 

He moved methodically, grabbing plates from the cabinet and setting them softly on the table. Eddie noticed the tension in his shoulders and the way his uniform hung slightly loose on his frame. Buck grabbed silverware and cups, and also grabbed the orange juice upon Bobby's request. A slight tremor wracked his way through his hands. Buck tugged at the sleeves of his undershirt as they rode up slightly, exposing his pale and thinning wrists. He cleared his throat as quiet as he could as he went about setting the table. He straightened the silverware on the napkins next to the plates, and placed the salt and pepper in the middle of the table. 

He switched plates with Bobby as he finished the second to last omelette. Buck noticed that the last one was his, and he was thankful that it appeared slightly smaller than the rest. Everyone sat around, Eddie coming to sit next to Buck, placing a soothing hand on Buck's knee. Buck shot him a small smile as Bobby sat down in his seat, placing Buck's omelette in front of his. 

"Thank you Bobby." Buck said, a genuine smile on his face. More thank yous rang out as the rest of them dug into their breakfast, the conversation flowing comfortably between one another. 

Buck looked down at the food, hesitating for a moment before picking up his fork. Okay, eat slow and in small bites, it won't draw as much attention. Take drinks regularly, it will fill you up more. He went over the mental checklist a few times in his head, making sure he knew what to do. Buck sighed quietly as he started to eat the food. He could hear his dad yelling at him in his head, telling him that he didn't deserve the food, that it would make him fat and unlovable. He glanced down at his stomach, surreptitiously poking at the flesh there. He sighed internally when he felt his pudgy stomach, silently swearing to himself that he could fix it. 

He heard his name called and shot his head up. He softened and engaged in the conversation with his friends, being mindful to only eat every so often so no one would get suspicious. He let out a genuine laugh at a joke Chimney made, bumping his shoulder with Eddie's as he did so. He saw Eddie shoot him a small smile out of the corner of his eye, and his anxiety somewhat lessened. 

The rest of breakfast went relatively smoothly, he remained quiet, only answering when he was spoken to. He ate the fruit that Bobby had cut up, the freshness of it easing his turning stomach a little bit. He looked down at his plate, a wash of shame coursing through him when he realized he had finished the omelette. When did that happen? How could he have been so careless? He was supposed to be able to control this better. Control is what he needed. Okay, he can do this. He would just be more careful, it's fine... it's fine. 

He helped Bobby clean up, rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. Eddie came up to him, wrapping his arms around his waist as he finished up the last of the silverware. He placed a kiss on his cheek before coming to rest his head on Buck's shoulder. 

"Buck, are you okay? I don't know, you just seem.. I don't know, off today? I'm a little worried about you, babe." He explained in his ear. 

Buck screamed at himself. _This is the last thing you were supposed to do! Nobody should have to worry about you, you're not even worth it anyway. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid-_

"I'm okay, Eds. I promise. I'm just tired, that's all." He answered.

He felt Eddie nod against his neck, peppering a few more kisses on his cheek. He smiled at the gesture as Eddie squeezed his arms around him one last time, before moving away to the rest of the group. Buck watched as he walked away, letting a soft expression grace his face as he watched most of his family converse and laugh with one another. _They don't need you here. Look at them, they're plenty happy without you in the mix._ He furrowed his brow at the thoughts, abruptly spinning around to hide the tears welling up in his eyes. He viciously scrubbed at the last few forks, throwing them in the dishwasher. 

He went about scrubbing the counters, anything to stave off the thoughts that plagued him. He couldn't do this right now. He shook his head, sighing. Jesus, he was a mess, wasn't he? 

He heard Athena announce that her shift was starting soon, and had to go to her station. She made her rounds, saying goodbye to the group and kissing her husband. She came over to Buck, pulling him into a tight hug and placing a motherly kiss on his forehead. The tears sprung to his eyes again at the maternal gesture. He smiled at her, saying his respective goodbye as she left. 

The next few hours of the shift went by without any incident. It was honestly surprising, to say the least. Buck tidied up around the firehouse, knowing he had to be productive as possible. He washed the trucks, checked the tanks, ensured the latter wasn't going to almost kill him again. Everything was going smoothly, with the occasional laugh resonating throughout the firehouse. 

Sometime later into their shifts, the siren went off, and everyone scrambled to get into the truck. 

* * *

Buck breathed a sigh of relief as he stumbled out of the truck. lt had been a rough call from start to finish, but they hadn't lost anyone. Buck stretched his sore shoulder and his bad leg. He had moved wrong or something during the call, and he was definitely going to pay for it later on. He glanced at the clock, glad he could clock off in the next five minutes and not have to worry about eating for the rest of the evening. Not having to eat in front of the team meant nobody could make comments, and no comments made him feel less insecure. If he felt less insecure, he wouldn't spiral as much tonight. 

He was snapped out of his thoughts when Bobby congratulated them on a job well done. Buck saw Bobby eyeing him suspiciously before his captain went over and talked to Eddie. Buck slinked away, going into the locker room to wipe the soot of his face and change into his regular clothes. He winced as he noticed the bruising in the mirror that littered across his chest and back. He stretched his leg out, making sure there wasn't any real damage done to it. He sighed, knowing he was in for a rough, lonely night. He scrambled to get his shirt on, not wanting to look at his form any longer. He felt the stark outline of his ribcage. He hadn't lost that much weight, had he? 

What was he doing? He was so conflicted. On the one hand, his younger self was screaming at him, to eat now that he had the freedom; but the current version of himself was striving to be accepted and loved by the only people he had in his life. He didn't want to screw that up by being someone who gorged themselves and was selfish. He couldn't do that. He couldn't be even more unloveable. He was doing this for them. 

That's all it was. It wasn't for himself, it wasn't. It was to be better for them, to be better for his team. By doing this he would be. He would be better for his parents who never loved him, he would be better for his boyfriend and his kid, and he would better for his sister, so she would never feel like she had to leave again. He didn't want to be like Buck 1.0, selfish and self-absorbed. No, it was about his family, not about him. Nothing needs to be about him, because he isn't important. 

Buck sucked in a breath as he threw on his burgundy sweater. He always prefered the darker colors, knowing they helped slim his frame. It hung loosely on him, showing just how much weight he'd lost recently. He chucked his bag over his shoulder, as he gently rose to his feet. A wave of dizziness hit him, and he stumbled against the locker. He suddenly felt a hand on his arm as his duffel fell to the ground, landing with a soft thud. 

"Woah, you okay there Buckaroo?" Chimney's worried voice rang out. 

"Yeah," He swallowed. "Yeah, I'm good Chim, just got up too fast. Thanks though." 

Chimney ran his eyes up and down Buck's shaky form, concern filling his eyes. 

"Have you been eating enough, Buck?" The man asked. 

Panic coursed through Buck. _Way to go Buck, way to make it obvious, you idiot. God everything they say about you is true. You're a complete idiot. Great, just great._

"What? Of course I have been. I'm all good, I promise." He nodded, carefully bending down to grab his bag. 

"Well, why don't you come eat dinner with us? I'm pretty sure Bobby ordered Chinese for us all. And considering it's late, I'm sure you don't feel like cooking anything." 

Nausea bubbled up in Buck's throat. Damnit, he thought he got out of this. No, he just had to play it cool, that's all. _Play it cool, Buck._

Buck rubbed the back of his neck before answering, "Thanks for the offer Chim, but I'm just tired and not really all that hungry right now. I'm okay man though, I swear." He plastered a convincing fake smile on his face. 

Chimney looked somewhat unconvinced, but nodded anyway. "If you're sure.." 

"I am, promise." 

The boys made their way out of the locker room, Buck trailing Chimney slightly. He saw Bobby up in the loft, indeed placing takeout counters on the table. He saw Eddie and Hen laughing at something on his phone. He smiled slightly at the happy look on Eddie's face. He only hoped that once he bettered himself, he could provide the same thing for him. He walked up the stairs with Chim, coming to say goodbye to his team.

"You not staying for dinner, Buck?" Hen asked, furrowing her brow as she reached for a carton, with Bobby playfully swatting her hand away. 

"No thanks, I'm beat after that last call. I'm just gonna head home, I got an early shift tomorrow anyway." 

"Wait, you just had a 48-hour and you're working again? That can't be right, I thought Lyles was scheduled for tomorrow while you had your day off." Bobby said confusedly. 

"Yeah, but he needed someone to cover for him 'cause he has something going on with his kid, so I offered. It's not a big deal, I'll be fine, Bobby. I can do the job, trust me." 

"Woah, woah, Buck we're not saying that. I'm just saying I don't want you overworking yourself." Bobby said, while Eddie, Hen, and Chimney nodded their heads in agreement. 

"I'll be fine Bobby. After tomorrow I have a day off and I'll recuperate. I'm gonna head out and get some rest." He explained, not letting any more protests ring out. 

He grabbed Eddie's hand, pulling him close. He placed a gentle peck on his lips, and whispered a promise to take him and Chris out to do something fun. 

"I love you Eds, I'll see you soon. Bye guys." He once again placed a convincing smile on his face. 

He walked down the stairs, letting his face fall as soon as his back was turned. He shook his head, running a hand through his hair as it began to curl, most of the product having sweat out from the hectic call. His shoulders dropped as soon as he was out of sight of the others. 

"There's something going on with him." Eddie said after a few beats of silence between the group. 

"You think?" Chimney responded. 

* * *

Buck walked in nervously to work, having been called in a little early by Bobby. Confusion ran through him when he saw everyone. Wait, he thought that only he was working today. _Good going Buck, he's probably called you here to fire you in front of everyone. Decided to do it on his day off so the paperwork could wait 'til tomorrow._ No, 'Cap wouldn't do that to him, would he. He thought he had been doing better. He was being careful, damnit!

He padded up the stairs, his anxiety skyrocketing when he spotted Athena too. Wow, so basically everyone was here. He half expected Maddie to walk through the door at any second. 

"What's going on guys?" He asked, coming to take a seat gently at the table. 

He watched as they all exchanged looks, Hen adjusting her glasses like she tended to do when she was nervous. Eddie grabbed Buck's hand, bringing it up to his mouth to gently kiss it. Confusion was obvious on the young man's face as he looked around at his family. He gulped, bracing himself for the inevitable yelling that was probably about to come. He tensed, bringing his sore and pained shoulders up closer to his jaw. 

"This is an intervention, Buck." Bobby said softly, coming around Buck's other side that wasn't occupied by Eddie. 

Buck opened his eyes in surprise, his shoulders dropping slightly at the tone of his words. 

"An intervention? I thought you brought me here to, I don't know, yell at me or something?" He said, his voice small. 

Bobby sighed, casting a glance at Athena. "Nobody's here to yell at you, Buckaroo. I promise." The woman said. 

"So what is going on then? You're not.. firing me right?" He looked at Bobby, desperation ever present in his eyes. 

Guilt flashed through Bobby, horrified that Buck would ever think he would do that to him. He shook his head, placing his hand on Buck's shoulder. He thumbed the spot for a few moments, feeling the jutting collar bone sticking out of the skin. 

"No, no, I'd never fire you. We're just-" He paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. "worried about. You've been off recently." 

"You've been distant, quiet." Eddie interjected. 

Buck's brows furrowed. "I-I wasn't trying to be distant. And I thought being quiet would be better for you guys, I know you've all been a little stressed out and I didn't want to add to that." 

They all looked guiltily at one another as Buck sheepishly hung his head down, averting his eyes. He shook his hand out of Eddie's, bringing it to rub at his wrist and wringing his hands together. Hen looked up, tears threatening to fill her eyes as she looked at Buck's dejected face. 

"Buck, you don't add to our stress kid. And I'm sorry if we made you feel like you did." Bobby said. 

"It's fine, guys, really. It's on me, anyway. Is that all?" Buck said, looking up, his face resonating with that of a kicked puppy. 

"No-" Athena started. 

"You've been eating less." Hen interrupted. 

" A lot less. Maddie's worried about you too. She just had to work early but wanted me to let you know." Chimney finished. 

Buck swallowed. _You idiot, damnit Buck! Way to go, you're losing all control right now and now they possibly know what's going on with you. They're going to be even more disappointed with you, as if they weren't before._

"I just haven't been very hungry lately." His inner child screamed at himself for food, begging him to just eat and not make it so difficult. He huffed, "Listen guys, I'm good, okay? Now I have a shift I need to get to." 

"No you don't." Bobby said. "I got someone else to cover it." 

Buck stood up, his seat flying back a few feet behind him. "What, Bobby why? I told him I'd take his shift and I need the money!" He said angrily, his voice slightly rising. 

"I'll let you pick up an extra shift when you're not just getting off a 48-hour one." He explained calmly. 

"But- I need the money Bobby. I mean between the medical bills from the surgeries and everything else and new clothes because of the weight loss I-" He paused as he realized his mistake. 

"I-I." He stuttered. 

"So you have been losing weight!" Eddie exclaimed as he realized his assumption had been right. 

"It's not like tha-" Buck began, his sleeves swinging loosely with his manic gestures. 

"How much?" his boyfriend asked. 

"What?" 

"Don't play dumb." 

"Eddie-" Bobby began to scold. 

"How much have you lost, Buck?" Eddie said, standing up as his own chair flew back like Buck's had. 

"I- I dunno, maybe 20 pounds, or 30." He said, wrapping his arms around himself, cradling his fragile ribs. 

"20 or 30 pounds, Buck? In what, a month or two?" Eddie said in disbelief, his hands coming down to rest on the table, hanging his head down. 

Athena rounded the table, coming around to stand by her husband. Chimney and Hen looked at one another, deciding to remain and give Buck as much time as he needed. 

"Buck-" Athena started. 

"Stop!" Buck shouted. "Just stop, okay. I- I'm fine. So, I'm losing a little bit of weight, so what? It's not important." 

"Yes it is, Buck. You're important." Eddie said, lowering his voice and softening his tone. 

Buck shook his head viciously, tears beginning to spring to his eyes. He fingered a loose thread on his sweater, twirling it nervously around his finger. _Well Buck, you're here now, good luck buddy, it's all you._

"You wouldn't get it." He whispered. 

"Then tell us what's not to get, Buckaroo." Athena said, coming up to cup Buck's gaunt face. She thumbed his birthmark, her eyes sparkling in the light. 

He shrugged off her touch, her hand coming down to rest by her side as he moved away from her. 

"No, no. Guys, I'm fine, okay? So what, I lost a little bit of weight. It's not a big deal, it's not important." He said adamantly. 

"Buck, you're not-" Eddie started. 

"No!" Buck's voice boomed, surprising everyone due to the quick shift, even Bobby who was rarely fazed. "You don't get to tell me what I am and am not. You don't to get to stage some sort of intervention just because you 'think' something is wrong."

"But Buck, if something's going on we need to know. It's important." Bobby said, trying to reason with him. 

"No, it's really not. I lost how much weight when I was in the cast and you guys sure as hell didn't give two shits then. So what makes it any different, now?" He asked, rage and frustration coloring his normally cheerful voice. 

He looked at Bobby with a look of realization and let out a sarcastic huff, "Oh, you're just looking for an excuse to fire me. Is that it, Bobby?" 

"Buck that's not-" 

"I mean, why wouldn't it be? After all, I'm just an exhausting,' He looked at Eddie, 'stupid kid." He aimed the last two words pointedly at Bobby. "I mean let's be honest, that's all you guys really see me as. An immature, selfish kid." He said, all the emotions he had bottled up coming out full force. 

"You know that's not how we see you, Buck." Bobby said, crossing his arms. 

"Isn't it?" He yelled. "You guys essentially treat me like that as it is. Constantly making jokes about how stupid I am, or how incapable I am at doing anything that requires something that's not 'flirting.' I know I'm nothing, guys, but I didn't expect for you all to rub it in deeper." He spewed.

"Bobby, I've been trying my hardest. I've been doing everything I can around here. When you first met me, I was an immature kid but I've proved to you time and time again that I'm not that person anymore, but you still treat me like nothing's even changed. Like I didn't get crushed by a truck, or have an embolism or get stuck in a damn tsunami. And you, Eddie," His voice cracked. "I love you, god, I love you so much Eddie but it's clear that I'm not enough for you or Christopher. It's blatantly obvious at this point." 

"That's not true." Eddie said, honesty seeping into every word. 

"You know what," Buck's hands flew up before flopping against his sides, a sign of defeat. "I'm done. I can't." 

He scrubbed a hand over his face as he let out an angry scoff. "Since I don't have a shift to get to, Captain," He spat. "I'm leaving. Sorry you guys wasted your morning for this. I'll be here for my next shift, but until then, don't wait up." He waited for no response as he swiftly turned on his heel and stomped down the stairs. The tension and anger was apparent in his shoulders as was the slight limp of his gate as the group watched him quickly grab his bag and heave it over his shoulder. They watched as he stalked out of the building, narrowly missing the firefighter that was covering his shift today. They all watched as he disappeared around the corner and the telltale sound of his jeep tearing out of the parking lot. 

* * *

The tension was thick in the loft as everyone was left speechless. They all sat down at the table, despite none of them being on shift today. They were all caught up in their own thoughts, mulling over everything that Buck had said. 

"He's right, you know." Hen's voice finally broke the silence. 

"What?" Chimney asked, bringing his head up from where they had rested in his hands. 

"He's right." She repeated. "Have we really been there for him? I mean the poor kid was crushed by a truck for god sake and got caught in a tsunami and all he got out of it was medical bills and more trauma. We didn't exactly help him out all that much. Yeah, we've all had our crap to deal with but none of it even begins to compare with what that boy's going through." 

Everyone nodded as they listened to Hen's reasoning. Eddie rubbed a hand over his face as he realized just how much his boyfriend had been through. 

"Shit." He whispered. 

"Shit is right. We've failed him. Dammit!" Bobby yelled, rising out of his chair to lean against the banister, looking out where Buck had been just a few minutes ago. 

Eddie got out of his chair too. "I need to go talk to him." He said, walking towards the stairs before Athena quickly moved in front of him, blocking them. 

"Eddie, that boy is all sorts of upset right now. He needs time to be alone and to think. Any of us talking to him right now is a bad idea and will only make everything worse." 

"But I need to talk to him. T-To apologize and tell him that he's right and how shitty we've been towards him." He said, trying to side step her. 

Athena put her arms out, her hands resting on Eddie's shoulders. "I think we all need to go home for right now. We all need to think and figure some stuff out and take a step back and understand everything we've done." She aimed those words at the whole group before focusing on Eddie. "He's going to go back to his place eventually. For right now, you need to go home and compose yourself. Make some arrangements for Christopher, we'll be glad to take him for the night." She said, looking at her husband as he nodded. 

"But he- he could get himself in a wreck, or-or do something stupid or I don't know I just-" Eddie rambled on. 

"Eddie, give the boy some credit. He just needs space right now. Later tonight, go and try to talk to him. If he doesn't want to, you need to respect that for the moment." Athena explained, bringing her hands off of his shoulders and placing them on her hips. 

Eddie reluctantly nodded, agreeing with her. "Okay, okay, I can do that." He assured, running a stressed hand down his face. 

They all sat down once again at the table for a few moments, understanding the gravity of the situation and what everyone needed to do. 

"Okay, okay." Eddie whispered once more. 

* * *

Buck was infuriated as he sped down the highway, his duffel bag ruffling with every bump in the seat next to him. Who were they to stage a fucking intervention! An intervention of all things! Buck shook his head. Jesus, he's always known his luck was shitty but this? This was a whole new level of shit. 

_Way to go, Buck. You're a fucking idiot! You really just blew up like that on them and now you're probably screwed! You should've just let Bobby fire you and then been done with it. You're going to end up alone no matter what, you should've taken the easy way out!_

"Shut up!" Buck screamed at himself, one hand coming up to viciously tug at his curls. He slammed his body a few times against the seat before the light turned green and he sped off. He went down the highway for a few minutes as he felt the impending panic attack coming on. He spotted a turn that he knew went to some secluded back roads where he could have his breakdown in peace.

He took the turn, going down the road for a few moments before he pulled his Jeep over in front of a big patch of land. He shut the car over and took a few deep breaths before ripping off his seatbelt and getting out of the car, leaving his door slightly ajar. 

His chest heaved with effort as he rounded his car, coming to look out at the vast expanse of the field. He quickly looked around, spotting no one, before he let out an anguished scream. He fell to his knees as the birds in the area flew off. Tears clouded his vision as he leaned against his car, letting sobs wrack his thin frame as his emotions overwhelmed him.

* * *

A little while later, Buck dragged himself into his apartment, his shaky hands dropping the keys twice before he was actually able to get inside. He closed the door, leaning his head back against it, closing his eyes. He pushed himself off, dropping his duffel bag in it's usual spot before pausing. His leg ached something fierce today, the pain worse due to the rough shifts he had been working recently. 

He doubled over as the pain increased, taking staggered breaths in through his nose. He took one look at the stairs, knowing he wasn't getting up them any time soon. He stumbled over to the kitchen, opening the drawer that held the meds for his chronic pain. He shakily opened the bottle, pouring two of the tablets into his palm before closing the bottle and shoving it in his pocket for the time being. He grabbed the heating pad he had, bringing it with him to help with the overwhelming pain. He limped back over to his duffel, grabbing his water bottle and the pair of sweats he always had in there just in case. 

He downed the pills with the water, relief running through him as they passed through his throat. He leaned against the counter for a moment, all the events of the day running through his head. He was a damn mess. He shook his head, his curls coming loose from the light gel he had put in it that morning. He sighed, closing his eyes as he reached his hand down to massage the spasming tissue.

He heaved his body over to the living room with the extra clothes in hand. He plugged the heating pad in, letting it warm up as he changed. He put down the water bottle and pills on the coffee table. He took his sweater off, the air cold to him as he switched it out for the thicker sweatshirt. He got cold a lot nowadays, but he honestly didn't have the energy to care. His face paled as he reached down to take off his shoes, his whole body protesting at the movement. He breathed through the pain, quickly stripping himself of his shoes and jeans and putting on his black sweatpants. He opted to leave his socks on as he all but collapsed onto the couch. He moved the heating pad into the best position he could over his pants, and grabbed the blanket he had haphazardly thrown over the couch that morning. 

He struggled to get in a comfortable position, a bone jutting here, the blanket not covering there. Eventually, he found a position that allowed him to be both warm and comfortable, and slightly lessened the pounding in both his stomach and skull. 

After a few minutes of trying to ease his mind, he finally slipped into a restless slumber. His eyes were sunken even in sleep, the dark rings under his eyes highlighting the pallor of his skin. His cheekbones were slightly more pronounced than they were before, his long eyelashes lightly brushing the top of them. Evan Buckley lay alone, the suffocating silence of his apartment and his soft snores being the only thing that filled the space. 

* * *

It was early evening by the time Eddie arrived at Buck's apartment. It had been around what, 12 hours since the events at the firehouse took place. He bounced nervously on the balls of his feet as he raised his hand to knock on the door. He hadn't been nervous around Buck since the first day on the job, when he had taken an obvious disliking to him. Eddie slightly smiled to himself at the memory, realizing they had come so far from that day. 

His knuckles lightly pounded against the door, loud enough that Buck could hear, but quiet enough so that he wouldn't disturb the neighbors. He waited a few moments, and not hearing any noise from the inside, knocked softly again. He waited patiently for another minute or so, taking the time to wring his hands and gaze around the hallway. 

After no noise again for a few minutes, Eddie dug for his key in his pocket, pulling the precious metal out and sticking it in the lock. He knew this was probably wrong of him to do considering the circumstances, but he couldn't wait any longer. He turned the key, unlocking the door and stepping into the apartment. He noticed it was eerily quiet as he softly closed the door, not wanting to startle Buck. 

"Buck? It's me, Eddie. I just want to talk babe, okay? I'm not mad, nobody's mad, I promise." He called out as he went about looking for Buck. 

He checked the kitchen, noting the slightly open drawer. He moved to the living room, spotting Buck curled on the couch. He smiled down at him, but it quickly turned into a frown as he saw the close-knitted brows and the pain filled expression on his face. He noticed the pill bottle on the table, and picked it up, inspecting it. His eyes widened as he saw how heavy-duty they were. The dosage was higher than he expected for someone Buck's age, and he startled at the realization that they were probably for his leg. 

"Oh god." Eddie whispered at the realization. He sat down in the chair that was next to the couch as he held the pill bottle in his hand. 

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard soft whimpers escape from Buck. He stood up, coming to crouch near his boyfriend's head. He ran his fingers through his soft hair as the whimpers grew in volume, and Buck began slightly thrashing in his sleep. 

"Dad.." the younger man breathed out. "Don't. Please, please, don't. Stop! Please, Dad!" He begged at the unseen man as he became more erratic. 

Eddie's heart lurched at the unintentional admission. "Buck. Buck, it's just a nightmare. Baby, you need to wake up." He pleaded with the man, holding back the instinct to run his hand through Buck's hair. 

Buck's pleas grew louder and louder as he fought his own mind. The heating pad that had been on his leg fell to the ground as legs shot out. The blanket ripped off his body, and his sweatshirt rode up slightly, revealing his thin stomach. 

"Buck, it's okay. It's just a dream, Buck." Eddie said, careful of Buck's flailing limbs. 

His breathing grew stuttered as he fought off the image of his father. His muscles constricted as he struggled to gain control. Eddie watched helplessly from the side, knowing that if he touched him he could possibly spiral even further. 

He watched in what felt like slow motion as Buck's eyes flew open and met his face for a brief second. He had no time to stop Buck as he tried to struggle away, faling off the couch, whacking his right temple off the side of the coffee table. Blood poured out of the wound, streaming down the side of his face. 

"Buck!" Eddie shot over to where Buck was, finally saying screw it and placing his hands on Buck's face. 

"Buck, Buck, it's alright. It's just you and me. It was just a dream, it was just a dream." He thumbed Buck's cheek as he slowed his breathing, hoping that Buck would copy it and calm down.

Buck's eyes met his and recognition flashed through them. Eddie pulled Buck into his chest, letting his left side rest against him so as to not aggravate his wound. He let him listen to his heartbeat, a common technique Eddie used with the man to calm him down after a long day. 

Buck pulled back, "Eds?" He asked, cocking his head. 

"I'm here. I'm so sorry Buck. I'm so sorry." 

"What are you doing here?" Buck asked, his voice slightly hoarse.

"I- I had to check on you. I want to talk, but that can wait. We need to get this taken care of." Eddie said, gesturing to Buck's still sluggishly bleeding head wound. 

Buck nodded slowly, his pupils going in and out as they struggled to pick a size. Eddie noticed, worried that it was worse than it appeared. 

"First aid kit?" Eddie asked. 

"Bathroom closet, second shelf." 

"I'll be right back, don't fall asleep." Buck nodded at the command as he leaned against the couch and watched Eddie run off to get the supplies. 

He brought a hand up to prod at the cut, wincing when he felt the bruise that was already forming. He pulled his hand away, sticky blood coating his fingers. He let out a sigh as he heard Eddie rummaging through his bathroom. He closed his eyes for a brief moment before the flew open as a flash of pain shot through him. He wrapped his arms around himself, curling in slightly. His whole body ached, from both the calls yesterday and the nightmare. 

He straightened slightly when he heard Eddie's feet pounding down the stairs. He watched as he rounded the corner, the big med kit Buck kept stocked in hand. Buck's eyes followed him sluggishly as he came to sit in front of him. He complied with him as he set the kit down and helped him back up onto the couch. He watched as Eddie got everything out, the disinfecting wipes, the antiseptic, the butterfly stitches, along with a couple of other things. 

"Eds, you don't have to do this." Buck said, some of his fight coming back to him. 

"Do we need to go to the hospital? 'Cause there is no way in hell I'm leaving right now, and I'm certainly not letting you deal with a head wound by yourself." Eddie said forcefully. 

Buck shook his head, flinching when it made the pain worse. "No hospitals, please." He whispered, casting his eyes downwards as his shoulders slumped. 

Eddie's heart lurched. "Okay, then sit still. Just let me do all the work, okay?" 

Buck nodded. "Okay." He whispered. 

Eddie quickly got work, pouring antiseptic on a cotton swab and gently dabbing at the cut. Buck hissed at the sting but refrained from pulling away. 

"Shh, I know, I'm sorry." Eddie said softly. 

He continued dabbing away the blood around the cut, relief flooding through him as he realized it would not require actual stitching. He prodded at the skin lightly, glad that it wasn't bleeding further. He grabbed the butterfly stitches, carefully putting two strips on the gash. He grabbed the disinfecting wipe, rubbing it over Buck's cheek and jaw where the blood had dripped down. He sat back, satisfied with the treatment. He grabbed the Tylenol that was in the kit, offering it to Buck before the man shook his head, gesturing at the prescription on the table. Eddie nodded in understanding, packing up the kit and setting it off to the side for now. Eddie sat down next to him on the couch, leaning his head back. 

"Thanks." Buck said quietly. 

"Of course, Buck." Eddie replied. 

A few minutes of silence passed as the boys sat in each other's company. Buck's head pounded despite the quietness of the apartment. He shifted a few times, pulling at his sleeves or the strings of his sweatpants. He nervously wrung his hands a few times before he decided to break the silence. 

"What are you doing here, Eddie?" He asked, echoing his question from earlier. 

Eddie turned to look at Buck, a slight sigh escaping him as he saw how small Buck looked. His face was even paler than it had been when he had first gotten here. The bags under his eyes made it look like he hadn't slept a wink. 

"I- I was worried about you. And.." He paused, trying to gauge Buck's reaction, "I wanted to talk to you, or listen, whatever you need me to do." Eddie explained. "As long as that's okay with you." 

Buck paused, pondering the proposition for a moment. He remembered the slight guilt from earlier that had plagued him after he had blown up on his family. 

"Okay. That's fine, I guess." He agreed. Making himself even smaller, he asked timidly, "Is Bobby mad at me?" 

Eddie swallowed back the flash of guilt that ran through him. "No. Nobody's mad, I swear." 

"Really?" Buck's head shot up. He knew Eddie would never lie to him, but he couldn't help not fully believing the words. 

"Really. Nobody is upset with you. Not Bobby, or Athena, or Hen or Chim. I'm definitely not mad at you." He said, gesturing to the apartment. 

Eddie reached his hand out before pausing, casting his eyes up to meet Buck's, silently asking for permission. Buck nodded, scooting his hand closer to Eddie's. Eddie laced their hands together, taking note of the cold skin. He brought his other hand to cover the rest of Buck's hand, rubbing it over a few times in a bid to help him warm up. 

A few more beats of silence passed. It was clear to Eddie that Buck wasn't going to start the conversation. He was looking around the room nervously, as if something was about to jump out at him any moment. He figured that the younger man's mind was still partially trapped within his nightmare, confronted with danger and terror. 

"Buck.." Eddie started, unsure how to breach the subject. 

Buck looked up at him, the usual strong and happy man gone, replaced with a scared and timid young boy. The bruises on his face were deep shades of purples and blues, and they stuck out on his light skin. He shook his head, a curl coming down to hang in the middle of his forehead. 

"Eddie, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You can go, Christopher needs you." He said. 

"No, he's fine right now. He's at Bobby and Athena's for the night. Harry was dying to have a sleepover anyway." Eddie explained. 

Buck gulped. _Have fun talking your way out of this one, Buckaroo._

"Well, I'm okay. Y-you don't need to worry about me. I'll apologize to everyone next shift and I-" Buck started to ramble, only to be cut off by Eddie. 

"Buck, you're not okay." His voice slightly cracked on the last word. 

Buck's mouth snapped shut, clenching his jaw as he looked away. "I'm fine." 

"Obviously, you're not. Because that," Eddie gestured at the cut and the blossoming on his face, "would probably not have happened if you were fine." 

Buck huffed, knowing Eddie was right but didn't want to admit it. He looked away, clenching his eyes shut. He sighed, bringing his free hand up to rub at the bridge of his nose. 

"Buck, what's going on?" 

"Nothing, Eds. I-I'm sorry I worried everyone." Buck tried to write it off. 

"It's not nothing Buck! Y-you're losing weight, yelling for your dad to stop in your dreams. You're pale and your skin is cold to the touch. This isn't nothing!" Eddie exclaimed, his worry shining through with every word. 

Buck chewed on his lip. "It's complicated."

"Damnit Buck! Please just talk to me!" 

Buck flinched at the loudness of Eddie's voice. He pulled away, scrambling to the far end of the couch. Eddie's eyes widened in horror as he realized that he had actually scared Buck. Jesus, he had.. he scared his own boyfriend, so much so that he had felt the need to get away from him. 

"Buck, I-I'm so sorry I didn't mean to raise my voice like that." He quickly tried to explain. "I'd never hurt you, I swear to God." 

"I- I know Eds. I'm sorry I didn't mean to react like that." Buck said, wiping at the tears that had somehow made their way down his face in the last few moments with his sleeve. 

"No, no Buck you have no need to apologize." 

Buck nodded, slowly unfurling himself from his protective ball. He didn't make any moves to come closer to Eddie, but wasn't as terrified as he had just been. 

"Baby," Eddie breathed out, "please just talk to me. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you." 

Those words seem to break the dam in Buck, hot tears flooding his vision. He damned his fears as he launched into Eddie's arms, surprising the older man. Eddie felt the wetness grow on his shirt. He rubbed his hands up and down his back, feeling the ridges of his spine. Eddie shook his head. No way only 20 or 3o pounds would do this kind of damage. 

My dad- he, he-" Buck choked out, the tears threatening to overwhelm him as all his bottled up trauma made itself even more known. 

"Shh, shh, take your time, Buck." Eddie said, running his hands through his hair. He pulled the man back from his chest, cupping his face. He thumbed his jaw, wiping at a few stray tears that made their way there. 

Buck took in a few stuttered breaths as he prepared to lay out all his childhood trauma out on the table. 

"My dad- he was... strict to say the least. My parents loved Maddie, but they hated me. My dad, especially. If I got a bad grade at school, then no dinner. No dinner eventually turned into barely being allowed to eat at all."

Eddie swallowed, a few traitorous tears escaping his own eyes. He brought one hand down to place on Buck's lower back, grounding him. 

He felt the words begin to flow from his as he explained his childhood in one fell swoop. He told his boyfriend about how it was before Maddie left, how his dad started off gradually before it got worse for him. At first it started with just not making dinner, or forgetting to simply feed his child. It eventually turned into barring meals from him, not allowing him to eat if he got bad grades at school or got in trouble. Sometimes his parents would make up that he had an attitude or something, telling him that missing dinner was his punishment. 

His eyes were shut tightly at that point as he went into more detail. He told him that when Maddie had left, it had gotten significantly worse. He described that they had new cabinets and a new fridge installed, fitted with locks so that Buck could rarely access them. He told them that as he got older and more rebellious, his father started checking him when he got home to see if he had brought any food into the house. Sometimes his fists would fly, breaking his fragile ribs that had little to pad the blows. 

Tears escaped his eyes as he went on about the abuse. The belts, the fists, the starvation all brought back striking flashbacks. He held onto Eddie for dear life as he went on. He described the bruises hidden by makeup, and the layers of clothing required just to make it seem he was a similar size to other kids his age. He detailed the hunger pains that plagued him from time to time. 

"I just- I was trying to cut back. You guys are right.. I'm always hungry but I was trying to be better. For all of you, I was just trying to be better." He choked, the sobs wracking his lithe frame.

Eddie was in shock himself, having been blissfully unaware just moments ago of the childhood trauma Buck had gone through. Now, he was pitched into the harsh reality of life, fully aware of the fact that most amazing people were just broken ones in disguise. He almost couldn't believe how such a short, yet terrible life could've forged a wonderful man like Buck.

"Buck, you are already incredible. You don't need to change anything, not for me or the team, not for anyone. None of what happened to you is your fault." Eddie whispered in his ear as he held him. 

"But- but-" Buck tried. 

"No, Buck you are amazing. You have gone through terrible things but you're still here. And you know what? I'm not leaving you. I already failed you once Buck, but that is not going to happen again, okay? I'm here for you. I love you so damn much and I'm not going anywhere. I promise." His eyes shined with a fierce truth that took Buck's breath away. 

"I love you too, Eddie." His voice cracked as he tried to hide himself further into Eddie's chest. 

Eddie held him, his chin atop Buck's head. He placed soft kisses into his hair as he rode out with the tremors with him. He gripped him tightly as he cried out for everything that had happened to him. He held him as he cried out for all the covered bruises and skipped meals. He held him as the shaking finally began to subside and his eyes began to droop, the exhaustion clear. 

"Shh, shh, don't fight it Evan. Rest, I'll be here, I promise." Eddie cooed, placing a kiss in Buck's curls as he laid him down on the couch, allowing him to stretch out. 

He grabbed the heating pad from where it had fallen, gently placing it on Buck's leg as he watched him with lidded eyes. He draped the blanket over him, hoping it would bring him some sort of comfort. He lifted Buck slightly as he sat down, laying Buck's head on his lap as he resumed fiddling with Buck's curls. 

"I'm sorry." Buck whispered. 

Eddie looked down at his exhausted boyfriend. "You don't have anything to be sorry for. None of it is your fault, baby." 

Buck nodded as sleep overtook him. Eddie watched as he tried to fight, before he ultimately succumbed to it. He wiped at the tear tracks on Buck's face softly with his thumb. He checked the cut on Buck's temple, glad that the bruises along his face weren't developing any deeper. He sat there for a few minutes, just watching his chest rise and fall with every breath. 

Eddie turned the T.V. on low, a random show playing to distract him from his overwhelming thoughts. For now, he would just comfort his boyfriend, and tomorrow, they would face everything together. 

As Eddie nodded off soon after, he made a vow to himself: He would protect and love Evan Buckley as best he could, no matter what. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading you guys, I really hope you like this version too. Ngl I like it better, I took more time to edit and put more effort into it. Anway, this one goes out for any y'all who wanted an alternate ending *Looking at you Valtje_91 lol jk you're awesome ❤* As always, comments and convos are always welcome, and I'm always willing to talk, love ya guys
> 
> Some Resources:  
> -Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237 (nationaleatingdisorders.org)  
> -Eating Disorders Center: 1-888-236-1188  
> -Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> More hotlines can be found here, at: pleaselive.org/hotlines/
> 
> Also, you can contact me on my Instagram: @abbeyawesome56


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